The “What Ifs”

When Brian first told me he wanted to get out of the Army I was apprehensive. I was used to the medical benefits, the paycheck that came twice a month, the dental benefits, the paid holidays, the assurance that we would have a way to pay the bills every month. Brian kindly reminded me that God would provide and we hadn’t had to really rely on him to do so in over 10 years. I began to really think about our Army life and some of the ways it took a toll on our family. I knew it wasn’t good and I knew we needed a change, I was just scared.

A few months and A LOT of time praying later, and I was ok with the separation from the Army. I was more than ok, I was ready. I *knew* it was time. I had total faith that God had something else in mind for the future of our family.

Fast forward to the week of Christmas 2013 and I began to clearly see this idea of our big service/education trip that we are working towards. I felt so clearly like this is something we should be pursuing. Brian and I have been praying about it for a month. Not just about the trip, but about what our life will look like over the next several months…simplifying our life, preparing our house to sell it, continuing to serve on a regular basis, homeschooling the kids, eventually buying a truck and trailer and going from there.

None of these things are for our own selfish reasons. We have prayed about all of it.

After my run in with a rock ahem, accident, people jumped up to help without ceasing. I mentioned the meals, the phone calls, texts, friends stopping by, etc. A friend approached me at church a week ago and told me that she had off of work today and wanted to take the kids for the day so I could have a break. She wanted to take them along with her children, to the park and just let them play for the day. It was a simple and extremely generous offer.

This morning we took the kids to her house and prepared for a day kid-free projects. We accomplished several tasks, more than we planned on in fact. Our sweet friend brought our four extremely tired kids over after dinner and we promptly bathed them and put them to bed. Brian and I stayed up a bit and munched on the cookies that our kind friend delivered along with our kiddos.

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As we started discussing our accomplishments of the day he began to ask the ever-so-dreaded “what if” questions. What if our house doesn’t sell? What if the money we are waiting for isn’t what we expected? What if the house sells and we don’t get this money right away?

I, over confidently answered “I will just have to put my faith in God and know that he will take care of us.”

Brian smiled, assuming I actually believed my own answer and went about his business.

Later this evening as I sat in the semi-silence (he was next to me snoring), I began to actually think about my answer. I do trust in God to take care of us, but how do I actually know that this is his plan for us? How do I know that the house will sell and the money we are waiting for is what we think it is? And how do we know this is how we are supposed to be spending it? How do I know that this is really in line with what we are supposed to be doing?

I don’t. plain.and.simple. I just don’t.

This is something that we are going with. If we find that God is just not making this happen, then I want to do something else. We all want to do something else. The last thing we want to do is go all out following something that is NOT God’s plan. That is just plain foolish.

Updated: January 20, 2014 — 11:45 pm

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